It’s been said that a house isn’t clean if the closets are dirty. All of us have things about our past that we have thrown into our closets. When people come over to our home they think our homes are clean. But if they looked into our closets they would see lots of junk and probably things that should be thrown away. And so it is with us. Behind what people see on the surface is baggage. How do we discern who we should share our baggage with, when to share it and how much we should share? I’d like to propose three options.
THE “UNLOAD IT!” OPTION
The idea here is full disclosure from the get-go! Well, what are the advantages to this?
ADVANTAGES
When you fully disclose at the beginning you’re putting all of your cards on the table so that the person can make their decision as to whether your baggage is too much for them to handle or not. The advantage is that you can be in the relationship without the constant fear of one day being rejected when this person finds out what you’re hiding in your closet.
DISADVANTAGES
One disadvantage is that you may scare the person away by sharing so much so soon and the person may not take the opportunity to get to know you for who you are today and judge you based on the experiences of your past. A second disadvantage is that if you date multiple people over a period of time then there is the potential that several people know intimate details about your life that are really only intended for one person to know. And if they are not responsible with this information it could leak to people that don’t deserve to know private things about you.
THE “SAVE IT!” OPTION
Another route people generally take is to wait until an “opportune” time to share their past and then one day just dump it all on their mate.
ADVANTAGES
The advantage here is that if the relationship doesn’t work then you have not disclosed personal intimate details about your life.
DISADVANTAGES
A disadvantage here is that if you are not prepared to answer difficult questions towards the beginning you either have to lie or communicate that you are not ready to discuss it yet which can make the other person feel as though you have something major you’re hiding.
A second disadvantage here is that when you decide to dump your baggage (and we all have some) on someone it can be very difficult for them to deal with all at one time. They may feel deceived and question whether they knew you at all.
A final disadvantage is that when you hold on to your “bombs” in your “baggage” you are insecure in the relationship because you don’t know how the person is going to respond once they discover the ugliness of your past.
A question to ask yourself is, “what am I waiting for?” Are you hoping to hook them first before you share? Your assumption might be that when you do share your past with them it won’t matter because he/she will be so in love with you that they will accept you for who you are, flaws and all. But what if your assumption is wrong? What if you wait to share your deepest, innermost secrets only to discover that the baggage from your past is too much for your partner to handle? The rejection you could experience can be devastating to your self-esteem.
THE “RATION IT!” OPTION
A third option is to ration out a little here and a little there and see how your partner reacts. If their reaction is positive then give them more. If it’s negative then shut it down and hold on to your secrets forever.
ADVANTAGES
The advantage here is that if it appears as though they are uncomfortable with what you’ve shared and the relationship is in jeopardy, you haven’t shared your most intimate experiences with them.
DISADVANTAGES
The disadvantage here is that your partner will soon question how much more you have to share if every so often you’re dropping bombs about your past.
SO WHICH OPTION IS BEST?
Well, at the end of the day, it’s a personal preference. Whatever route you choose to take, just BE HONEST! Because if you are not, out of fear of losing the person, you may actually lose them later when they discover you were dishonest which creates a lack of trust that is very difficult to earn back. So, in the long run, as difficult and embarrassing as it may seem, it is always best to tell the truth and let your partner deal with that truth. Here are a few questions to ask yourself in making your decision.
- Could my past experiences have any possible effect on our relationship in the future (more about this below)?
- If it’s a person from my past, could my partner possibly have future interactions with this individual?
- Is your past somehow tied to your testimony? In other words, do you plan on using this to help others in the future?
- How will this affect my partner’s self-esteem?
- How will sharing this help our relationship move forward?
- Would I want to know this information if I were in their shoes?
Your answers to these questions should determine what you should share. When I was dating my wife my rule was simple. I only felt it was necessary to share things about my past that had the potential to affect us in the future. Details about what I did with a girl in my car in high school were not necessary to share and would only potentially create insecurity within her. Do your part to protect your mate’s heart. She, on the other hand, found it more difficult to share intimate details about her life all at once. So, as a result, she gave me a little here and a little there. At the end of the day, we discussed all significant experiences in each other’s lives and felt comfortable moving forward with the knowledge we had.
Can we touch on some sensitive issues? If you have an STD that is currently dormant that has the potential to resurface, you should probably share that with your partner. If you’ve had an abortion at some point, you should share that with your partner as it may affect fertility. Better for him to hear it from you then from a doctor 5 years from now. If you’ve been sexually abused in some way it is best to share that with your partner. The prayer is that you’ve been completely healed of the experience. However, studies show that in many cases it affects intimacy in marriage in some way. Your partner has the right to know this if you expect to be serious. If not, the feeling of being deceived could be devastating.
As for “the number” (referring to the number of people you’ve slept with) I would say that is unique to each couple. Some couples want to know. Some couples don’t. The better question is, “how will knowing this number help you assess your feelings for this person?” If you can answer that then it would be wise to get “the number.”
Finally, give your partner time to process the information you share and respect their decision as to whether they can or cannot deal with your baggage. As painful as it is, it is better to know now that your past is a problem for them than finding out later when it too late.