So, what have I learned in my first 3 months of marriage? I’ve learned a very simple principle.
THE MORE WE ARE WILLING TO FORGIVE EACH OTHER THE BETTER OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE.
Opportunities to forgive people arise almost daily. One day it’s my wife who spills her smoothie all over our nice carpet. The next day it’s me forgetting to take the trash out…again. Lol. While neither of these are sins, they do require a level of forgiveness that is necessary if we desire to have a healthy relationship. The Bible says in Prov. 19:11,
A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to OVERLOOK AN OFFENSE.
I like to break forgiveness down into two categories because there is a different process required for both. There are minor infractions that occur almost daily and then there are those deep hurts and pains which I’ll refer to as major offenses.
Minor Infractions
These irritations will arise in any relationship. How quickly are you able to forgive people? The answer to that question will determine the quality of your relationships. When people offend you do you make them suffer in silence? Do you give them the cold shoulder until they come back begging for your forgiveness? Do you hold grudges against people? Do you punish people and harp on their mistakes and make them feel worse than they already do? Do you say you forgive people but then bring up their mistakes later to boost your own position in an argument? Or do you take the high road and initiate peace even when you know you are right? The Bible says this about people who take the initiative to make peace.
BLESSED are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God.
Matt.5:9
It also says,
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Rom. 12:18
Finally we are to…
Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, JUST AS God through Christ has forgiven you.
Eph. 4:32
The key to being able to forgive minor infractions is always keeping in the forefront of your mind how much you need forgiveness for your shortcomings as well. When you focus on the other person’s shortcomings you will often struggle to extend forgiveness. Continue to ask, “how would I want someone to treat me when I already know I’m wrong and I already feel bad about what I’ve done? Would I want them to preach to me? Would I want them to make me feel like a child?” The answer to that question should determine how you treat the other person with these ever-so-frequent minor infractions.
MAJOR OFFENSES
Forgiving major offenses requires a slightly different process.
#1 – Assess, if any, Your Part in the Offense
Sometimes we are so quick to become irate with someone who offends us deeply and never think to ask if we had any part in provoking the action that was done to us. Certainly no one “deserves” to be hurt intentionally. However, as a best practice we should always look at ourselves first (Mt. 7:1-6) to see if there is something God wants us to reflect on and grow from.
#2 – Clearly Communicate the Pain to the Person who has Offended you
The truth is that sometimes the person who has offended you has no idea that they’ve hurt you deeply. They have moved on with their life and they’ve left you with scars. Communicate it to them for at three reasons. First, it gets it off of your chest so that the “root of bitterness” doesn’t continue to grow. It’s been said,
To forgive is to set a prisoner free only to discover the real prisoner was you.
Another person said,
Unforgiveness is like drinking a poison but expecting someone else to die.
Second, you are helping them by allowing them to recognize how they have hurt you. Third, you are potentially helping someone else if what you communicate to the offender results in a changed heart in them. The hope is that they won’t turn around and hurt someone else the way they hurt you because you were courageous enough to communicate how they offended you.
#3 – Consider whether Reconciliation is best or not
When someone offends you in a major way, you can forgive them without necessarily reconciling with them. What may help you make this decision is whether or not this action is habitual or not. Also try to discern whether the person is truly repentant and sorrowful for their actions or are they just sorry they got caught. There is a major difference. There is something noble to be said about a spouse who consistently forgives their spouse for infidelity. However, the Bible does allow for forgiveness without reconciliation in these situations (Mt. 5:32; 19:9).
#4 – Don’t do it Alone
The worst thing you can do with a major offense is to suffer in silence. When we do what the Bible calls a “root of bitterness” (Heb. 12:15) begins to grow within us. The bad news about these roots is that not only do they affect how we view and treat the offender, but if we are not careful we can transfer these feelings to other innocent people and we end up being bitter and not better. Talk out your feelings with trusted friends, mentors, counselors, and pastors and let them help you through the forgiveness process.
SUMMARY
Finally, ask yourself this honest question.
Why am I so quick to ask and accept forgiveness from God but it’s so difficult for me to extend it to others?
The ability to forgive may very well be what is holding you back in achieving a healthy relationship. If you are wrestling with forgiveness I strongly encourage you to watch my short video on “How to Forgive when it Hurts” and listen to my full audio sermon on “Freedom through Forgiveness.” I trust you will be encouraged to forgive others as Christ has forgiven you.