Let’s face it. Dating is hard. It’s hard enough to find someone you want to commit yourself to and even then challenges come up that make the dating process difficult. Both people have baggage. There are family differences, gender differences, cultural differences (sometimes), and personality differences. These four differences can make dating and relationships difficult. So, I want to provide what I believe are 7 habits that I encourage you to incorporate into your relationship right away if you haven’t already done so.
#1 – Build a Friendship
This is the most important habit of effective dating. I didn’t see the value of this until after I got married. My wife and I dated long distance for a year and at the time I HATED it! It was expensive. It was difficult to wait a month until we saw each other again. It was inconvenient. However, it forced us to talk and build a friendship instead of being overcome by lust and sexual temptation. Studies show that loving couples may have sexual intercourse 3-4 times a week for an average of 30 minutes. Well, that’s only 2 hours a week! That leaves 166 more hours that you must exist with this person. For you mathematicians that means 98.8% of the time you will NOT be in the bed! I admit that I never thought of it that way when I was single. When you think of it like that, it makes no sense to focus on the sexual connection more than the emotional and spiritual connection. Build a friendship. Focus on the 166 hours a week together and not the 2.
#2 – Be Intentional
The second habit of highly effective dating involves being intentional. Now what does this look like? It means that you and your partner are dating for the purpose of marriage. This doesn’t mean you get married in a month. It means that both of you are in the same place, have the same expectations for the direction of the relationship and are ready for marriage. Ideally the man should state his intentions early on. While it may intimidate some women to talk about marriage and commitment early on, it also sets them at ease to know that you are serious about where you want this relationship to go. If a man is not ready to state his intentions after some time but desires to leave the relationship “open” indefinitely, that can be a sign to the both of you that perhaps this is not the person God has for you. When you leave the relationship “open” you’re introducing the possibility that one or both of you will end up hurt.
#3 – Bring them around your friends and family
The third habit of highly effective dating involves friends and family. Your friends and family know you better than anyone else. Often times they can assess whether a person is right for you or not. It’s important after you have established an exclusive relationship to bring your significant other around your friends and family. First, this allows them to have the opportunity to assess this person and possibly identify blind spots in the relationships that you are oblivious to because you are in too deep. Also, it can be a red flag in that if you are uncomfortable or ashamed to bring this person around your friends and family, then perhaps there is something that you are wrestling with or are unsure as to the direction of the relationship.
#4 – Get relationship counseling
The fourth habit of effective dating involves counseling. Many couples make the mistake of assuming that counseling should wait until the engagement phase. But how do you deal with the issues that come up in your relationship to see if you even want to get engaged in the first place? Ideally, every dating couple should have a mentor couple or a trusted spiritual counselor you can seek advice from. Ideally, this would be an older couple, or a couple who’s been married for at least 10 years, that you can meet with from time to time to talk about various issues that arise in your relationship.
#5 – Talk about everything
The fifth habit of effective dating involves communication. A wise older couple told my wife and I this one evening as we were walking on a pier in Washington D.C. and we NEVER forgot it. I encourage every couple to talk specifically about the following categories: expectations in marriage, roles & responsibilities, how to handle finances, sexual history, sexual desires, etc. Certainly there are things you will discover about someone after you get married. But ideally there shouldn’t be too many bombs dropped after marriage because you’ve talked about so much before.
#6 – Pray together
The sixth habit of effective dating involves praying together regularly. This sets the tone for a good practice in marriage. It also assures that you don’t go very long with bitterness in your heart because it’s difficult to pray with someone you are angry with. There is something comforting and encouraging about hearing your significant other pray for you and take your concerns to God on your behalf.
#7 – Maintain Individuality
The seventh habit of effective dating involves not losing yourself in the relationship. Far too often people get into a relationship and they stop doing the things they love and focus all of their attention on the relationship. They forgo their dreams, hobbies, friends and even their spiritual growth sadly. When a person loses themselves in a relationship, it is called co-dependency and it is extremely unhealthy. If not careful people can confuse co-dependency for love. They completely remove themselves from their friends and their friends wonder what happened to them. Be careful to continue to do all of the things that you loved to do when you were unattached. This individuality is huge because even in marriage you need space and you need to give each other space. Both people need to be completely and totally whole within themselves and not dependent on their partner.
SUMMARY
As a final thought, it’s easy to get focused on the mechanics of dating and forget one very important habit of highly effective dating. HAVE FUN! Create memories! Be creative! Enjoy the journey! Dating is not easy. But I trust that if you put these 7 habits into practice you and your partner will be on your way to a loving relationship. Or, if you cannot apply these then it could be a sign that perhaps this relationship is not the one God intends for you. Either way you win.