Do you ever feel like you are on a relationship merry-go-round? You meet someone. You fall in love. Things go well for a while and then things go south and it ends in either heartbreak for you or for them. You stay off the ride for a bit then you jump back on with someone else only to see the same cycle happen again and again. It’s pretty exhausting emotionally isn’t it? Do we ever stop to ask the question, “Why Do My Relationships Keep Failing?” or do we just move on in hot pursuit of the next love affair? Today I want to share with you 5 reasons why many relationships fail.
#1 – Unrealistic Expectations
Some of us, even though we won’t admit it, are looking for the perfect person OR we expect the person we are already with to be perfect. We expect them to never smell, always look sexy, never disagree, always have plenty of money, always have fresh breath, and never do anything that would turn us off. And in the beginning of the relationship both people go out of their way to create a perfect environment in fear that they won’t be accepted if the other person saw their “dark side.” But, the problem is that no one can sustain that for very long. So, when reality kicks in it is easy to assume there is a problem in the relationship and quickly lose interest and move on to another person. Some people are in love with being in love. Their definition of a good relationship is a consistent feeling of butterflies flying around in the stomach. It is an instant rush of attraction that runs through your body every time you lay eyes on them. But when those warm and fuzzy feelings dwindle and subside, reality sets in and we immediately think the relationship is in danger. So we quickly move on to someone else trying to recapture those lost butterflies once again. We can have these unrealistic expectations and not realize it and consistent claim that we haven’t found the “right person” when in actuality we haven’t found the “perfect person” because they don’t exist.
#2 – We don’t learn from past relationships
When you assess all of your past relationships, has there been a consistent complaint or concern from the people you’ve been with? If so, have you written that off as their wrong assessment of you? Or have you accepted that you are the common denominator in each relationship and maybe what people have said about you is actually true? One of the major reasons why our relationships fail is that we don’t take enough time to look at ourselves. When the relationship breaks down we are quick to blame the other person and think that if we only found “the right person” we would be happy. We don’t process. We don’t assess. We don’t get enough counseling. We don’t introspect enough. We don’t stop to realize that the real focus should be on learning how to “be the right person” for someone instead. This leads me to my next point.
#3 – Unresolved Issues from the Past
All of us have issues from our past. And if we took an honest look at our relationship history we would see that these keep coming up. However, because we refuse or don’t know how to address them, they keep sabotaging our relationships. Below are a few common issues that destroy what could potentially be a healthy relationship.
Childhood Issues
Our relationship or lack thereof to one or both of our parents significantly impacts our relationships. If our parents were controlling, abusive or emotionally unavailable these unresolved issues can creep up and hurt our relationships.
Character Issues
You quickly get bored and cannot stay faithful to one person, which basically equates to an inability to truly love someone. Included in this is commitment phobia. You constantly think you are missing out on something and “you can do better.” You still think the purpose of the relationship is your happiness. Selfishness is a character issue and can hinder our relationships.
Low Self-esteem
Low self-esteem can make you very insecure in relationships resulting in an extreme lack of trust. People you date are always under suspicion. They are guilty until proven innocent. Instead of looking for the good, you often are guilty of looking with a skeptical eye. No matter how much they praise you it is not enough to convince you of your God-given worth.
Bad Attitude
Plainly put, there’s an attitude adjustment that needs to be made. Maybe you have a negative or critical or spoiled or complaining or abrasive attitude that people have told you about (hopefully not all of the above :)). It’s actually become such a part of your personality that you’ve accepted it. But it eventually turns people away.
Addictions
If you have an addiction such as pornography, alcohol or drugs (prescribed or not), these addictions can take over a relationship and cause serious problems.
We have these issues but sadly we refuse to address them and get help so they continue to destroy what could be great relationships.
#4 – We Just Keep Settling
Sometimes we can be so desperate to be in a relationship that we lower our standards just to be in one. We ignore all of the warning signs that our friends, our parents and the Holy Spirit reveal to us. We think we can overcome them. We think we can change them. We stay in relationships without commitment although we desire it. We settle for someone we are not attracted to. We settle for someone we are not spiritually compatible with. We settle for someone who looks great on paper but we have no real chemistry with. Why? It’s simple. Many people are not comfortable, or get tired of, being by themselves and feel the need to be in a relationship to feel good about themselves. So this leads to settling to be with someone who we often times know we shouldn’t be with, but being with the wrong person is better than being by ourselves.
#5 – Start off on the Wrong Foundation
We tell ourselves, “this time will be different.” But, unfortunately many times we start off the same way we started our other relationships; extremely physical. I get it. You’re attracted to them big-time. The problem with this is that the things that matter more in the long-term don’t have the opportunity to develop because the physical takes over quickly. Then when we realize that this strong physical connection does not distinguish our relationship from past relationships, we are left with the sad reality that it was more lust than love. Our bodily needs are full, but our emotional and physical tanks are running on empty.
SUMMARY
So, if you wonder why your relationships keep failing and you find yourself on this merry-go-round relationship cycle, I pray that you will consider these 5 things and take a very serious introspective look so you can make the changes that are necessary for a healthy relationship.