How do you manage your opposite sex friendships whenever you are in an exclusive relationship? How could these opposite sex friendships have an effect on your relationship/marriage? How can we assess whether these relationships are healthy or not? Today I want to propose 7 things to consider when determining whether an opposite sex friend is healthy or unhealthy for your relationship.
#1 – Be Honest with Yourself
Many people use the proverbial, “He/she is just a friend” and may be in denial that there is something unhealthy about that friendship. Here are 7 questions (proposed by Dr. Todd Linaman, founder of Relational Advantage) to ask yourself in assessing whether your friendship is healthy or not.
- Is your spouse unaware of your opposite-sex friendship?
- Would you behave differently around your friend if your spouse were present?
- Would you feel uncomfortable if your spouse had the same quality of friendship with someone of the opposite sex?
- Are you physically and/or emotionally attracted to your friend?
- Do you ever compare your spouse to your friend?
- Have you ever entertained romantic fantasies about your friend?
- Do you and your friend ever exchange highly personal details about your lives or complain about your marriages to each other?
If you answered yes to any of these questions the relationship may pose a threat to your dating or marital relationship and you should consider whether it is one worth keeping.
#2 – Make sure they are not Taking up Time that Should be Spent with your Mate
If you have an opposite sex friend that you are used to talking to on a regular basis and then you start dating someone or are married, be careful to limit your conversations with them going forward. First of all, they can be used as a crutch. Instead of addressing the issues in your relationship with your mate you turn to them and vent instead. Second, because they “understand” you and listen to you it can create confusion and comparison between your mate and your opposite sex friend. Finally, you should be investing time into your relationship with your significant other. When you’re on the phone consistently with your friend you are taking time away from how you could be investing in your relationship leading to them becoming your best friend instead. Also, it’s tempting to share intimate private details about your relationship that more than likely your mate would not be comfortable with. Finally, it’s never a good thing to develop habits during dating that you cannot practice in marriage. It’s not practical to expect to maintain that type of friendship and consistency in communication in marriage, so why do it in the dating stage?
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#3 – Make sure your Mate is Comfortable with them
If this friend is very important to you then make sure that you go out of your way to ensure that your mate has met this person and is comfortable with them. A lot of times our mates can discern things that we can’t see. Don’t immediately label your mate as insecure if they are uncomfortable with your opposite sex friend. If you have an opposite sex friend that your mate doesn’t feel comfortable with, and they have a legitimate reason for their discomfort, then it is best to disconnect yourself from that person. And, if that person is truly your friend then they should understand that the boundaries of your friendship MUST change once you enter into an exclusive relationship. If they don’t understand that the dynamics must change then that may indicate several things. First, they may not be truly happy for you. Second, it may be that they secretly liked you. Third, it could also indicate that they don’t respect your mate and/or your current relationship. Finally, it can mean that they are just being selfish and thinking about their own needs and what’s best for them instead of thinking about you and your significant other. If you value your mate, then disconnecting from your opposite sex homeboy/homegirl should be easy. If it’s not, then you may be indicating that you value your friendship more than your current relationship, which is a problem!
#4 – Avoid Friendships with Ex’s
I’ve heard people describe their ex’s as their “best friend.” They say, “we used to date but now we’re really good friends.” It’s not wise even if you are not dating someone because whatever feelings you once had could easily resurface especially in seasons when you are feeling lonely and vulnerable. However, if you are dating, chances are the person you are dating is going to have an issue with that. Think of it this way. You and this “friend” have history together. You once had feelings with this person. You’ve possibly been intimate with this person. Your new mate is at a disadvantage because he/she doesn’t have the history you have with your ex. This can lead to insecurities quickly being developed. “Who broke up with who?” and “does the dumpee still have feelings for the dumper?” Even though your mate may be extremely secure in who they are, why would you want to do anything that may create insecurities and jeopardize their trust for you? That ex is your past; your mate is your future. Let it go.
#5 – Avoid Intimate one-on-one Situations
The key word here is intimate. Okay I’m just going to say it. If you are dating someone you should NOT be going out to the movies with an opposite sex “friend.” Whatever one-on-one meetings you have with this person should be preferably during the day and nothing regular. Men, when you have too many of these female “friends” it can appear that you are a ladies man and that you like the attention you get from women. You don’t want that reputation; nor do you want your lady confused about the status of these relationships.
#6 – Beware of Seemingly Innocent Emotional Connections
According to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy,
About 35 percent of wives and 45 percent of husbands report having emotional affairs…
Adultery/infidelity begins in the heart. What may seem like an innocent conversation can often times lead to an emotional connection. If/when your spouse is not meeting your emotional needs you become extremely vulnerable to the opposite sex. And never forget that Satan hates marriages so he will prey on your weaknesses and send someone your way that is doing the very things your mate stopped doing or never did for you. You’ll start to look forward to seeing or talking to this person because of how they make you feel. When this happens be sure to guard your heart and your relationship.
#7 – Set Healthy Boundaries
A true friend should naturally respect and understand boundaries. You should set boundaries in the areas of communication, social media interaction, the amount of time spent together, and physical touch If that opposite sex friend does not respect that boundary, then view that as a sign that this friendship may not be a healthy one. A great series of books that goes into more detail about setting healthy boundaries written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Remember that no one has ever regretted being overly cautious but many people have regretted being overly trusting. Use wisdom when assessing your opposite sex friendships and never sacrifice your relationship for a friendship.